Why Silence About Sex Is Hurting the Church—and Our Kids

Once upon a time, the sex talk was simple. It was still mortifying for both parties, but it was simple. For the little ones, you talked about the anatomical differences between boys and girls. Where do babies come from? I’m so glad (i.e. horrified) you asked! You discussed how those anatomical differences allowed the mommy and the daddy to make a baby, praying that the kids didn’t ask for more details. As they got older, you discussed God’s design for marriage and God’s purpose for sex within a marriage. You read some verses from Ephesians, gave a very (very) light study from Song of Solomon about the goodness of sex (but only within marriage—DON’T DO IT OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE!). And then you turned these fully prepared (*cough*) youngsters over to the youth pastor, who taught them who-knows-what out of a study guide on purity. Phew! Glad that’s over. 

One question though: How’s that been working out for us? How’d that work out for you? Does it feel like we’re winning the culture war on this one? Because it doesn’t to us. We are losing so badly that many people have just given up and opted for the “safe sex” talk because any discussion of abstinence is just laughed at. Like, How cute! As if you can convince teenagers not to have sex…you’re funny! 

To paraphrase legendary fighter Mike Tyson, everyone has a plan until they’ve been hit. The church, unfortunately, is no different. Between hyper-fundamentalism, the fallout of purity culture, and the at-times graceless response to LGBTQ+ issues, the church has taken more than its share of hits. As Dr. Juli Slattery points out, the problem isn’t that the spiritual battle defending biblical sexuality isn’t worth having. The problem is that the church doesn’t know how to fight [1]. And the results aren’t pretty. 

Pew Research Center conducted a survey on views regarding sexuality and found that 57 percent of Christians believed premarital sex in a committed relationship was fine, while 50 percent said that hookups (sleeping with someone you aren’t committed to) were no biggie [2]! According to one study, upward of 80 percent of unmarried evangelicals between the ages of 18 and 29 have had sex [3].  

We parents aren’t doing much better. Many of us grew up in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” household when it came to discussing sex, and we’ve happily carried on the tradition with our kids. For some of us, the silence is rooted in fear. We’re afraid that if we talk about sex, then our kids will want sex. Or perhaps you are only now shaking off the weight of toxic sexual messages that were piled upon your teenage shoulders. The last thing you want is to make your children feel the same guilt and shame you did. And others just don’t know what to say. Heck, we don’t understand how the biblical sexual worldview is a critical aspect in our own walk with Jesus, let alone know how to explain it to our kids [4]. Instead, we rely on middle school health class, our kid’s friends, and social apps to do the legwork for us. 

Church, can we come together for a moment and acknowledge a hard truth? This isn’t working. Our kids want us to talk to them about sex. No really, they do. When the Power to Decide campaign surveyed thousands of students, do you know who teens ages 12 to 15 overwhelmingly said had the most influence on their sexual decisions? Parents. Do you know who also won the influence race with teens ages 16 to 19? Parents [5].  Don’t let their perpetual eye rolls fool you: Our kids are listening. Let’s start talking.

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[1] Juli Slattery, Rethinking Sexuality: God’s Design and Why It Matters (Multnomah, 2018), 31.
[2] Jeff Diamant, “Half of U.S. Christians Say Casual Sex Between Consenting Adults Is Sometimes or Always Acceptable,” Pew Research Center, August 31, 2020, www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/08/31/half-of-u-s-christians-say-casual-sex-between-consenting-adults-is-sometimes-or-always-acceptable/.
[3] Erik Kain, “Study Finds Majority of Young Evangelicals Have Premarital Sex,” Forbes, October 1, 2011, www.forbes.com/sites/erikkain/2011/10/01/study-finds-majority-of-young-evangelicals-have-premarital-sex/.
[4] Slattery, Rethinking Sexuality, 24.
[5] “Survey Says: Parent Power,” Power to Decide, October 2016, https://powertodecide.org/what-we do/information/resource-library/parent-power-october-2016-survey-says.